Facing Fear; Finding Myself
Updated: May 5, 2020
We are living in an extraordinary time of upheaval and chaos on a global level. How do we face into what is and find what is calling for attention?
We are living in an extraordinary time of upheaval and chaos on a global level. Social, political, environmental, and economic unrest and uncertainty is the norm at the moment. There is much in our world that can trigger an enormous amount of fear and anxiety. Those of us who are the “sensitives” often feel the external chaos as internal angst. And many are facing monumental disruptions in the “norms” of our lives, like losing our jobs, our homes, disintegrating relationships, and financial uncertainty.
Feeling fear at the current state of the world, I am considering my response. Now what? As I notice the enticement to slip into reaction and join in the drama, I wonder if there is another way to respond. Having read Eckhart Tolle’s The Power Of Now, I am practicing being with what is, rather than jumping into projection of what might be.
So what is in this moment is an edge of fear with a large hook of depression and despair. I find myself wanting to escape these feelings, yet I know there is no place to go. I feel incredibly alone. I know I cannot read, eat, sleep, lose myself in a movie, shop, or activity myself out of this. Well, I can, but eventually I have to face me. And this is precisely the opportunity here. (Damn!)
I can make this fear about the political and economic situation. I can project all kinds of doomsday stories and blame my fear on how crazy the world is. The truth is this fear is mine. It’s been with me a long time. As long as I look for evidence outside me for why I’m afraid, I will always find it. As long as I can blame the events of the world or the circumstances of my life for my fear I can keep from taking responsibility for my life. I can continue to hide. And in a perverted way I can stay safe.
So I breathe. Breathing into this moment I notice that my racing thoughts slow down. As I continue to breathe I notice that my body begins to relax. My intent is to have no intent beyond breathing. I am not intending to meditate. I’m not even intending to rid myself of fear. I am only noticing what happens to my body as I breathe. I notice my body begin to soften, and then to expand. I notice there is a place of calm under all the striving; beneath all the stories my mind likes to wrap me in. I don’t have to do anything with all that. I just move into the stillness of my own breath.This is where I touch my own truth. There is nothing I need to do. The most powerful thing I can do for this planet is to BE a place of peace. I can be a force of balance in the world by balancing my own energy.
This is the challenge. It takes spiritual discipline to avoid the enticement of joining into the chatter (perhaps it’s more a clamor than chatter) within and around us about how dangerous the world is and what if…. It is so easy to get pulled in.
This is what my knowing tells me: When I engage in “ain’t it awful” conversation, it’s a slippery slide to anger, bitterness, judgment, fear, depression, apathy, and despair. All this equals disempowerment. And none of it is what is being done to me. It is all what I am choosing to experience. And here is the kicker: I am choosing all these effects of fear so I don’t have to show up!! As long as I stay afraid, I stay small. I can even spin some great story about how “they” want me to stay small so I’ll be a mindless consumer. Hiding the truth from myself is the greatest camouflage.
The truth I hide from myself is that as long as I blame “them” and stay in fear, I can also hide from the responsibility of being the BEING I came here to be. That’s a mouthful, but I’m sure you get it. I know I’m not alone in this. I’m writing to share my thoughts and to challenge both myself and you to come out of hiding.
Recently I’ve gotten in touch with a fundamental dilemma operating within me. On the one hand, I know I came to this planet at this time for something important. There is something I am to do or to BE that no one else can do or BE. At the very same time there has been a primal scream and sense of dread about being here. This part of me has several voices, some of which are, “I can’t do this, it’s too hard.” “ I am all alone in this world.” Or “This place is crazy, Beam me up Scotty, there’s no intelligent life here!”
Sound familiar? I believe there are many of us on the planet at this time, waking up, kind of in a daze, knowing we signed up for something important. Yet, we also sense we’re not from here. We don’t quite fit. We have a hard time finding a sense of belonging. Something keeps nagging at us; pushing and pulling; sometimes loudly, sometimes like a vague voice in the background. It never goes away.
We may seek counseling, and to be sure, we have family of origin stories that can keep us occupied for a long time trying to “heal”. Using a psychological approach, I have had some success in shifting the pull to the victimhood I learned in my family of origin. Like many, I have a trauma history and lots of old patterns coded into my being that could keep me tied up forever in looking to shift old dysfunctional behavior. It wasn’t until I looked at life in general, and my life in particular, through a different lens that I was able to create a new story for myself.
The deepest shift came when rather than trying to fix all the ways I am broken, I began getting in touch with who I really AM. Looking through a larger lens of wholeness, I began to know the truth about myself. There are ways I have acted broken. There are ways I have been wounded. There are ways I have given away my power and hidden my truth. Yet, I cannot escape the truth of my own wholeness, beauty and power.
I invite you now to remember the larger story of our lives and the life of this planet. Despite the evidence around us of brokenness, disharmony and dis-ease, the underlying fabric of the universe is wholeness. Our intrinsic nature is wholeness, harmony and love. We are each way bigger than we think. And we each have the power to change our world. That begins by changing our inner world.
Now, more than ever, there is a call for each of us to fully step into our own being, come out of hiding and BE who we are. Now is the time for each of us to choose out of the drama that keeps us small and keeps this planet from evolving. It’s not about them. What choices am I making in this moment to BE peace; to BE harmony, to BE love? Every thought I have and every word I speak is creative. Each of us is creating manifest reality in each moment. How am I choosing to use my creative force. What kind of energy am I spinning by my thoughts and deeds?
I keep hearing an internal message: “It is time.” Perhaps you hear it too. It is vital in this moment that each of us live into our “calling”. Please don’t let fear keep you small. Yes, there are some really scary things happening in the world right now. Breathe into it. Know you are not alone. Know too, that You are the solution. Come out of the darkness into the light; the light of your own being. Be light. Be Peace. Be love. That is our natural state.
In this moment when I feel much fear around me, I step into my full power, because I must. As in the image from the movie “Cocoon” I unzip my skin, let myself out as the lightbody I am, and declare: I am TrueHeart. I am a spiritual midwife; here to give birth to that which is essential, in the world, in myself and in others. Who are you?
NOTE: Although this could have been written today- it was written over 15 years ago! Yet, it seems like an even more powerful message for right now.